Support means different things to different people. My
husband and I would frequently fall out over that word before I realized that
we have two different paradigms in our heads for the concept of support. To my pastor
husband, it means attending every event for which he has responsibilities and listening,
not challenging the points he wants to make. For me, it means making sure he is
fed, has clean clothes, and providing ideas for his sermons, challenging points
that need attention, and not nagging him for being away all the time. When we
try to support each under with the qualifications of our definitions, it has
the opposite affect; we each end up feeling not supported. Chapman (2017)
describes these varying support needs as different love languages. When we are
not supported in our love language, we become disheartened and feel unloved and
unsupported. This is demotivating for relationships and, taking it into the
workplace, productivity. We all need to feel loved. We feel loved when we feel
supported. As our relationship has matured, my husband and I have learned to
think and act from the other's point of need when trying to offer support. At
work, I have felt quite supported when I was directing a play or running the school
and the staff and parents all came alongside to serve all the different needs to
make the productions a success such as painting sets, bringing me meals, or speaking
an encouraging word.
As I look forward to the new venture of opening a kindergarten,
I imagine that I will need a good amount of support in areas in which I have no
expertise and areas in which I am weak, such as financial planning and management.
Starting a new venture also means that I will need a lot of support on the home
front, understanding when I am emotionally and mentally drained at the end of
the day and not in the mood of cooking or doing the dishes, listening support
when frustrations build or joys overflow, and practical support for tasks such
as moving furniture.
These supports, whether they be as practical or emotional,
are so essential to the amount of courage and ambition I have to confidently continue
on in a course of action. When others
believe in what someone is doing, they show their agreement by coming alongside,
speaking and acting on their belief in whatever the cause. I am motivated
because I feel loved. It is a lesson I want to carry into how I support and
encourage others around me.
Chapman, G. D. (2017). The
5 love languages: The secret to love that last. Christian Art Publishers.
Hello Julia,
ReplyDeleteThe book you cited, The 5 love languages is often discussed in my Sunday morning Bible class. It is definitely a class favorite.
Your new adventure certainly sounds exciting. I have wanted to open a high quality child care program in my community for years, but the at home needs you mentioned have hindered those ideas. I pray you have success in your endeavors.
Samantha
Hi! My husband and I had a very similar issue in the first few years we were married. His idea of supporting me was to try to fix any problem or offer solutions to the problem. What I really needed was him to just listen to what I was saying and validate my feelings. Once we figured that out, we became much better supports to each other.
ReplyDeleteHello Julia,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing! It is crazy how so many of us can have different perspectives on what we consider "support". Different people have different ideas on how to show support, so I can see where you and your husband could feel the way you do. Understanding love languages as you mentioned is very important in any relationship to ensure that the other person feels supported. Discussing your love language with someone can help with ensuring that supports are being given in an effective way, but as you mentioned that takes time and it can be difficult to give supports that may feel like uncharted waters for some. I am glad that your husband and you were able to work through them and that you paid attention to the needs of your students and shifted your idea of support.